


Alucard Discovers Bubblegum

by Sapphirewyren



Category: Hellsing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-08-19 00:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8180846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphirewyren/pseuds/Sapphirewyren
Summary: Alucard discovers bubblegum





	1. Chapter 1

Alucard Discovers Bubblegum

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

 

Author’s Note: I do not own Hellsing

Summary: Alucard discovers the joys of bubblegum, what could possibly go wrong?

*Chew chew chew chew*

“Must you chew that so damn close to my ears?”

*Chew chew chew chew*

“Alucard, go chew that somewhere else, I’m busy.”

*Blow blow blow pop!*

“I swear, if any of that gum gets in my hair, you and I are going to have problems.”

*Blow blow blow pop!*

“Seriously, must you be so insufferable?

*Blow blow blow pop*

“Spit out that bloody gum already!”

*Blow blow blow pop!*

“Good Lord!*

Integra stormed out of her office and decided to retreat to the kitchen. Walter saw Integra enter and poured her a cup of tea.

“Where is Alucard?”

“The insufferable ass ran me out of my own office with his gum chewing.”

“Ah, yes, you have Seras to blame for that. I told her it was not a good idea.”

“If I could fire her, I would.”

As Walter and Integra were speaking, there came the sound of a large explosion from Integra’s office. They both looked at each other and then bolted to the office. Walter opened the door. The scene was catastrophic and pink and sticky. Large globs of gum were everywhere. The pink mass was strung out like a giant sticky web, from floor to ceiling and stuck in the middle of that mess like a big red spider was Alucard.

“AAAALLLLUUUUUCCCCAAAAAARRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!!”


	2. Aluccard discovers Milkshakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac Air and milkshakes don't mix

Alucard discovers milkshakes

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

**Author’s Note: I do not own Hellsing.**

“Slurp slurp slurp slurp”

“Stop it, Alucard.”

“Slurp slurp slurp slurp”

“I said, stop it.”

“Bubble bubble bubble bubble”

“Don’t blow bubbles, Alucard, just drink the damn thing”

“Bubble bubble bubble bubble”

“For the love of God, Alucard, stop it!”

“Bubble bubble bubble bubble”

“I swear if you do that again….”

“Slurp slurp slurp slurp”

“Arrruuugggh!!!”

Integra stomped out of the office in search of some kind of medication for her growing migraine. As she was overdosing on Aleve, she caught the scent of smoke. Integra made a mad dash to her office (Usain Bolt would have been proud), to see a sheepish looking Alucard standing over the smoldering remains of her brand new Mac Air.

“AAAAAAALLLLLLUUUUUCCCCAAAAAARRRRRDDDDD!!!!!”


	3. Alucard Discovers Popcorn

Alucard Discovers Popcorn

Sapphirewryen

**Author’s Note I don’t own Hellsing.**

**Summary: Alucard makes popcorn.**

Ever since the fiasco with the bubblegum and the accident with the milkshake, Integra had banned Alucard from eating anything in her office ever again. Alucard tried to convince her, by promising that he would be more careful, but Integra was not having it. “It took a WEEK to get all that gum out of my office and a MONTH to remove the smell!” she practically shrieked. So here he was in the kitchen with a bag of popcorn kernels and pot on the stove. Alucard read the instructions on the bag.

  1. Pour one cup of kernel into a large deep pot.
  2. Turn stove on medium.
  3. Place a cover on the pot, to avoid any of the popcorn from spilling out
  4. Wait until popping stops before uncovering.
  5. Serve with butter or salt



“Looks simple enough,” Alucard said to himself. But when he poured the kernels into the pot, the amount looked so small and he figured that he could eat more than that so he poured ALL the bags he could find and turned on the stove. Meanwhile in her office could smell the scent of popcorn, and while not a fan of the treat, the smell never really bothered her. USUALLY. Today the smell was unusually strong, as if someone was making it right outside her door. Then she remembered Alucard. “Holy crap!” she said before bolting out the office and into the kitchen. The sight was like a popcorn wonderland or to Integra popcorn hell. The whole kitchen was covered in popcorn and Alucard stood knee deep in the puffy snack, shoving fistfuls of it into his mouth.

“AAAAALLLLLLUUUUCCCAAAARRRRDDDDD!!!!”


	4. Alucard Discovers Chocolate Fondue

Alucard Discovers Chocolate Fondue

Sapphirewyren

 

 

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing.**

**Author’s Note: I want to thank Sarah Rose 29 for the idea of writing a chapter where Alucard discovers chocolate. This one is for you Sarah.**

**Summary: Alucard and chocolate is not a good match.**

After the fiasco with the popcorn in the kitchen, Integra had banned Alucard any unsupervised use of the kitchen and though Alucard tried to persuade her that he was a grown man and didn’t need to be watched like a child, Integra had roared; “THEN STOP ACTING LIKE ONE!!” So here he was pouting in his room, hungry for something other than blood for once and since there was no one in the kitchen at the moment, he couldn’t set foot in there or else. Alucard found himself wondering into the dining room and saw Walter tinkering with a strange looking pot with a bunch of rods sticking out it. “What is that strange device, Walter?” asked Alucard. Walter turned to him and replied “This is a fondue pot. It is used for dipping different kinds of foods in different kinds of sauces. In this case dipping marshmallows in melted chocolate” It looked very intriguing to the vampire. “So when will it be ready?” he asked. “In a few minutes” came Walter’s reply. “I just have to fetch the marshmallows from the kitchen.” So Walter left to get them, while Alucard stared at the fondue. To him though it seemed to be taking a long time, so he turned the dial all the way to max. At once the pot started to shudder and then shake. “Oh crap!” thought Alucard. He turned the dial back down to min and pot stopped its weird dance. For a moment Alucard thought he dodged a bullet, but the pot started to spin. The chocolate was now beginning to burn and the smell wafted through the manor like a racehorse out of the starting gate. Integra could smell it from her office and at once raced to the source. Once in the dining room she found Alucard huddled in the corner trying to dodge burning projectiles of chocolate. One of those molten projectiles found their way onto her glasses. As Integra wiped her glasses, she shouted; “AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCAAAARRRRRDDDDD!!!!!”

 

**Author’s Notes : Hope you like it. Read, favorite, Review and if you have any more ideas of what Alucard should discover, feel free to let me know.**

 

 


	5. Alucard Discovers eBay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard discovers the wonderful world of eBay!

Alucard Discovers Ebay

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

**Author’s note: I do not own Hellsing**

“I’m bored.”

“Ask me if I give a damn”

“Do you give a damn, master?”

“No I don’t, now leave me alone.”

“Give me something to do.”

“I’m busy, go bother Walter.”

“Yes master.”

Ten minutes and yelp of pain later Alucard phased back into Integra’s office.

“I tried to bother Walter and he hit me in the face with a silver tray.”

“I’m still busy.”

“…..”

A week later Walter went in the basement with a large box. It was computer, he figured this would keep Alucard occupied while Integra was working. It had a lot of games on it, but it was not connected to the manor’s wifi because Walter knew that was asking for trouble. However, Alucard hypnotized one of the staff members and discovered the most glorious thing: EBAY!! There were tons of things to see, some of the strangest things could be bought and sold on eBay. Alucard didn’t have any money but he still loved outbidding people on the site.

A month later Integra received an email from eBay, confused she opened it and got the surprise of a life time. The email stated that she owed A LOT of money for things that had been won on the site, including a sewing machine from the 1920s, a box of 1000 snow globes, a live boa constrictor, and the list went on and on. It didn’t take long for Integra to realize what happened. “AAAAAAALLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCAAAAAARRRRRRDDDDDDD!!!!”


	6. Alucard Discovers Call of Duty Black OPS 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard learns that he shouldn't play COD

Alucard Discovers Call of Duty Black OPS 3

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing (what a shame)**

**Author’s Notes: I want to say thanks to Lady Taiyo for this idea. It was between COD or Halo, I chose COD because I have a PS4, not an Xbox, (Besides we all know PS4 is better than Xbox 1 hehehehe).**

**For upcoming chappies in this series, the idea with the pop rock candy is going to have to wait until I try pop rock candy, I have never eaten it. But don’t worry I will try some and see if I can think up a story.**

**The PSN IDs in this fic are completely made up.**

**Sorry for taking so long on this, I was working on the latest chapter in my Winds of Change Series, also writer’s block on my In Which Enrico Maxwell Suffers…. A Lot series.**

Integra had no idea what induced her to buy a PlayStation 4 console. Maybe it was the constant child-like begging from Alucard. Or the constant pestering from Seras. Or the constant nagging from Walter, who didn’t want a bored vampire bothering while he worked. Well either way Integra bought the PS4 and now was sintting in the living room of the Hellsing Manor watching Alucard aka The Cr1msoF@cker completely bomb in a game of Team Deathmatch.

“FUCK!!!” shouted Alucard as ElfLover22 shot him for the fourth time.

ElfLover22: Boy, Crimson, you suck go play Tetris

CrimsonF@cker: SHUT UP

ElfLover22: What a noob

CrimsonF@cker turned a corner and shot ElfLover22, as Alucard was celebrating this, LethalBladeGurl came and shot him in the back.

“YOU BITCH!!!”

“Master calm down, it’s just a game.” said Seras.

(oooohh no you didn’t, Seras)

“THOSE DOUCHES ARE HACKING!”

“No, you’re just sucking.” Snickered Integra.

Alucard glared at her and then turned back to playing the game. After a couple more minutes of getting killed, the Loser screen came up and the people on his team was pissed.

AsianMage: How the fuck do still lose even though I’m 35 and 6??

PhasePhantom: It’s that dickweed, CrimsonF@cker. He sucks.

KnifeBuyer0: Oh my gosh, he’s freaking 6 and 29! What the hell? Go kill yourself.

CrimsonF@cker: They were camping!

PhasePhantom: No, you were sucking.

Integra laughed out loud; “That’s what I said”

AsianMage: Dude, leave the lobby, you gone so negative that you gotta dig for you K/D

CrimsonF@cker: You guys suck.

GREATBLACKSHARK: We suck?  I’m master Prestige, got gold and Dark matter camo for most of my weapons, what you got?

The next game started and the result was the same, Alucard’s terrible gameplay bought the team down. By now Alucard was in screaming match with anyone in the lobby who had a headset. The screaming annoyed Integra; “Alucard, take a break from the bloody game.” Of course Alucard didn’t listen to her.

AsianMage: Come on Crimson! Leave the lobby, man. YOU SUCK!!

CrimsonF@cker: GO SUCK YOUR MOTHER!

Elflover22: no need to get violent, use that energy to stop sucking

CrimsonF@cker: Shut up Elf. That’s stupid name!’

Elflover22: You should have called yourself CrimsonLoser because that’s what you are.

PhasePhantom: You should listen to your mommy and take a break.

Integra raised her eyebrow at this comment. “If I had children, they wouldn’t so terrible at such a childish game.” At this Alucard flipped out.

“YOU THINK YOU’RE SO GOOD, THEN WHY DON’T YOU PLAY??!!”

“You just died again.”

“I QUIT!! THIS GAME SUCKS!!! YOU ALL SUCK!!!”

With this Alucard dropped the controller in Integra’s lap and stomped off. Did I mention that he died again? Walter walked into the room; “What was that all about?”

Integra shrugged; “Just Alucard acting ridiculous over a bloody game.”

“I didn’t know that he was so competitive.” Said Seras.

ElfLover22: Hey you still there, Big Red Loser?

PhasePhantom: Naaah, he said he quit.

GREATBLACKSHARK: Yeah, didn’t you hear him yelling at his mom?

KnifeBuyer0: Maybe that was his girlfriend.

AsianMage: You joking right? He sounded old, he ain’t got a girl.

Walter and Seras looked at each other, then at Integra and then at the controller and then back to the Hellsing Commander.

“No, no, I am NOT playing this ridiculous game.”

“Come on, Sir.” Said Seras. “It could be fun.”

“Then you play, Seras”

“Oh no, I already know that I’m not good at these kinds of games.”

“Loosen up a bit, Sir” said Walter.

“What the bloody hell does that mean?”

The players on the game heard the conversation between the three.

ElfLover22: Come on Crimson’s mom, play with us, unless you’re scared.

“Now why I be afraid of a little boy who believes in elves?” The rest of the gamers laughed.

“Come on, Sir, play the game, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease” said Seras in her most annoying whiniest voice. Integra rolled her eyes and sighed; “Fine if it will stop you incessant whining. I’ll play one game.”

Integra picked up the controlled as the game started. Ten minutes later, Seras and Walters mouth hung open and they were sure that the gamers were wearing the same expression.

AsianMage: No way…106 and 6??!

GREATBLACKSHARK: I’m reading that wrong…right?

ElfLover22: That’s impossible

KnifeBuyer0: the map was Nuketown, that’s the easiest map, everyone pick a different one.

PhasePhantom: hahahaha we got owned by Crimson’s mom hahahahaha!

“I said ONE game, I’m not playing anymore. I have things to do.”

“It couldn’t hurt to play one more game.” Said Walter.

GREATBLACKSHARK: yeah, listen to your husband, Crimson’s mom

Integra’s eye twitched. What the heck was wrong with these people? First they thought she was Alucard’s mom, now they thought Walter was her husband. Speaking of Alucard, he skulked back into the living.

“Guess what? Sir Integra did really great in the game!” said Seras. This however did not help Alucard’s mood. Integra by this time left the living and Alucard decided to play again.

PhasePhantom: awww it’s you again, Loser? Your mom was a better player.

ElfLover22: I know right? I just hope I’m not on his team.

CrimsonF@cker: SHUT UP YOU FUCKTARDS!!!

From her office, Integra could hear Alucard’s screaming and cursing. Then there was the sound of glass shattering and a strange fizzing sound. Integra ran back to the living room, where she saw Seras huddled in a corner, Walter was headed towards the hall closet, Alucard breathing heavily in front of what was left of the television.

“AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCAAAAARRRRDDDDD!!!!”

 

**There you have it, why Alucard should not play COD. Who knew Integra was so good? This is based from my experience with the game with some minor changes, like the television; my TV is not broken** **J** **and I don’t suck THAT bad. Hope you enjoyed. Read review favorite and if you have any ideas, let me know.**

 

 

 

 


	7. Alucard Discovers Fashion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard discovers his inner fashionista

Alucard Discovers Fashion

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing (One day I will)**

“You look ridiculous, Alucard.”

“What is the matter with what I am wearing?”

“It’s too colorful. It’s hurting my eyes”

“This is what all the fashionable people are wearing.”

“Then they are rather stupid. I’m beginning to wish I was color blind.”

“I don’t tell you what you wear is ridiculous.”

“Well you look stupid, take it off.”

“So you wanna see me naked?”

“You know damn well what I mean and if the rest of you is like your legs, then hell no, I never want to see you naked.”

“That hurts master, what wrong with my legs?”

“I never knew your knees were so knobby.” Chimed Seras

“Or bony” stated Walter

“Or white” said Integra. Everyone stared at her. “What? His legs are so white.”

“That’s racist” said Seras.

“I like my legs and what I’m wearing” pouted Alucard.

“I don’t like what you’re wearing. I can’t take you seriously in that get up”

“What are you, the fashion police?”

“No, but I’m about to call them”

“I think this is a great change from what I normally wear.”

“About what you normally wear….”

“Don’t tell me you have a problem about that as well.”

“It’s too much red, you remind me of Clifford the Big Red Dog.”

“You are never satisfied, woman!” Alucard huffed and walked out of the office. The next morning when Integra got out of the shower and went to her closet to put on her clothes, she saw that all her clothes were replaced with dozens of the dreaded HAWAIIAN SHIRT!!!

“AAAAAAAALLLLLLUUUUUUUCCCCCCAAAAAAARRRRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!”

 

**Authors Note: If you don’t know who Clifford the Big Red Dog, google it. It’s a book by Norman Bridwell, about a big red dog.**

**Who knew that Alucard was so fashionable. Hope you enjoyed. And don’t forget to Review and check out my other fanfics.**


	8. Alucard Discovers the Thermostat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard loves pushing buttons

Alucard Discovers the Thermostat

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing (I have no idea why)**

**Author’s Note: I just wanted to say thanks for the reviews from all the readers, I appreciate it. Reviews for this fic and my others inspire me to write more, so THANKS!**

Alucard was grounded in a way of speaking. He wasn’t allowed to play anymore video games after breaking the television in a rage of losing. He wasn’t allowed near the kitchen or Integra’s office if she wasn’t in it. He mulled in his room bored out of his brain. At this moment, it sucked to be him. Integra was PISSED at him and insisted that he stop behaving like a stupid child. When Alucard got tired of staring at the walls of his room, he decided to see what Seras was up to, but she was taking a nap and had a habit of biting and scratching when awoken from her naps. Checking up on Walter, Alucard was dismayed to see the butler polishing a large mound of silverware and the look he gave Alucard was one the clearly told the vampire to leave him alone.  With that Alucard decided to phase into Integra’s office, which was a very bad idea. He didn’t get even half his body through the floor when the Hellsing commander snarled; “If you so much as say a peep, I ram my sword up your ass, then I will build a time machine, go back to the day you were born and kill you in the bloody crib.” Well that didn’t leave the vampire king much options, so he decided to just wander the halls of the Hellsing manor, until he came to a strange box on the wall. He had never seen it before or maybe he hadn’t paid attention to it. On the box was a small green screen with numbers on it. There were also buttons and Alucard loved pushing buttons. He made a game of trying to get the numbers on the screen to match the ones that he was thinking. This game went on for an hour, when the screen started flashing and then went blank. “Hey! What gives?” said Alucard. He pushed the buttons, but nothing happened, the screen remained blank. “STUPID BOX!!” Alucard ripped the box out of the wall and threw it on the floor. When he realized what he had done, he got scared. He knew that eventually that Integra would find out and boy would she be angry. Alucard got a piece of paper and wrote on it; “I’m sorry for breaking the box. From a soldier”. He then went to his room.

Soon there was a loud rattling noise, like the hand of God was using the Manor as throwing dice. The rattling got so loud that it shook the walls of the Manor. “What the blood fuck is that?” demanded Integra. Walter shrugged. Integra got up from her desk and was headed for the door, when something in her head told her to take two step backward. At that very moment, a very large item shot straight through the floor exited through the ceiling. With her eyes still on the large hole in her office ceiling, Integra asked; “Was that the BOILER?”. “It seemed that way” answered an equally astonished Walter. The boiler landed on the front lawn of the manor. Walter went to check the thermostat and found the mess that Alucard left. He gave the note to Integra, who glanced at it and already knew the whole story.

“AAAAAAAALLLLLUUUUUUUCCCCCCCAAAAAAARRRRRRDDDDDDD!!!!!!”

 

**Thank you again for the reviews. I hope you enjoyed. If you liked this one, then check out my Enrico series for more laughs. For something more serious check out my Winds of Change series and my oneshots. If you have an idea for this or any one of my fics let me know and if I like it, you just might see it in my next fic/ chapter.**


	9. Alucard Discovers Pepsi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard discovers Pepsi

Alucard Discovers Pepsi

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author’s Note: I’ve been busy preparing for going for my Master’s Degree and writing several new series; one of them called “Diary of a Hellsing Butler”, also been writing the first chapter of the next part of the Wings of Change series, thinking up questions for the “Interview with a Vampire” fic and writing a couple of WoC side ficlets. Also, been trying to decide if I should add some fanart for WoC and been doing some painting, so I have been very busy. But we’re doing this, so this idea came from a guest whose name I’m guessing is “Glape” (not sure). Enjoy**

Alucard was thirsty, but not for his usual blood packet and not water or tea. As he strolled towards the kitchen to see if Walter could suggest something for him, Alucard saw Seras sitting on the couch sipping a dark drink out of a plastic bottle. As he approached, he asked; “What is that you are drinking?”

“This is a soda called Pepsi. You want to try some?” Seras handed her master the bottle and what Alucard tasted was the most glorious, most delicious thing he had ever drank. Seras took the bottle away from just as he was about to drink the whole thing; “Hey! Only a sip.”

“But I want more, I must have more.”

“I’ll get you one from the kitchen.”

Minutes later Alucard was enjoying the divine ambrosia known as Pepsi. How had he lived without this was a mystery to him. How come Integra never mentioned this to him? This was even better than blood. Soon Seras arose from the couch; “I’m going to the firing range” and she left. Alucard noticed that the draculina left her bottle behind and it still had some soda in it. He had drained his, so he picked up the unemptied bottle and drank that too. But he was not satisfied, he wanted more, he NEEDED more. “There must be more in the kitchen.” But Alucard remembered that he was not allowed in the kitchen on pain of being sealed away. As Alucard was trying to figure out where soda would be kept, he saw a soldier walk by and remembered that Walter had set aside a room as storage for food and drink for the soldiers and he headed there at once. Getting past the lock was a cinch and soon the vampire king found himself in soda heaven. There were so many flavors to choose from; cherry, vanilla, diet, zero calories, and there was not only just Pepsi, there were Coca- Cola, Fanta, Root beer, cream soda, orange, grape, Sprite, ginger ale; and Alucard drank them all. By the time Alucard reached his room, he was stuffed from all the sugary drinks.

The thing about being a vampire though was that darn fast metabolism, besides the numerous trips to the loo, a couple of hours later and the soda craving came back. But now there was not a drop of soda left in the Hellsing Manor. While he was bemoaning the lack of soda in the room, Seras came into his room; “You drank the rest of my soda, didn’t you?”

“Police Girl, where does Walter get the soda?”

“From the supermarket, of course. Why?”

“No reason.”

Alucard ran out of the room. That rapid twitch that his left eye was doing made Seras realize that she probably shouldn’t have told Alucard about the supermarket. A half hour later, Walter walked into Integra’s office with the cordless phone; “There is a Neville Duncan, manager of the Waitrose Supermarket on the line, he says has something that belongs to you, Sir.”

Integra answered the phone; “I don’t remember ordering anything.”

“There is a man in a red drinking all of our soda!”

“Get the car, Walter” sighed the commander.

When Integra and Walter reached the supermarket, there was Alucard, sprawled out in aisle 4, with empty soda bottles and cans around him. Neville said; “I tried to get him to leave, but he growled at me!”  Then Alucard sat up and hiccupped; “Hey-hic-Integra- where you been? Hic- you missed the party-hic-sexy mama-hic!” The vampire king took an unopened bottle of grape soda off the lower shelf and proceeded to shake it while slurring; “I like-hic-it shaken- not stirred” then he opened the bottle, spraying Walter, a nervous Neville and a pissed off Integra in grape soda. “AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLUUUUUCCCCCCAAAAAARRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!!!!!”

 

End

**I hope you enjoyed this sweet fanfic.**


	10. Alucard Discovers Acrylic Painting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard goes all Bob Ross in the Hellsing Manor

Alucard Discovers Acrylic Painting

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author’s note:  This is an idea from “ I’m not ofreakingokay”. This is a great time to write this because I am actually doing some painting, so thanks. And for AnimeGirl4891 the pop rock candy idea is on hold until I actually taste them and to answer your question; for the Interview with a Vampire, yes questions from reviews/readers are welcome.**

Integra was going out of her mind. When she ‘inherited’ the big red vampire, she thought it was going to be easy, you know just let him loose on the bad guys and that’s it. Her father forgot to mention anything about ‘raising’ him. It had been a couple of weeks since the ‘soda incident’ and getting him weaned off of the sugary beverage was a hassle, one she left to Walter. But now he was bored and was driving her up a wall. After another screaming fit with Alucard which resulting her sending him to his room for the rest of the day, Walter commented; “Perhaps you should find something calming to do, Sir.”

“Why would you say that? I am very calm! THIS IS THE MOST CALM I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE!”

Walter decided that maybe some Ceylon tea would be helpful and a reminder about Integra’s blood pressure level, which had her doctor very worried. As he was passing through the hallways, the butler happened to look at some of the portraits and an idea: painting. Not for Integra of course, she’d just go all Jackson Pollock on it, but Alucard. Perhaps the vampire king could put his boredom to constructive and creative use. That evening Walter went to the art store and picked up some supplies and some beginners books and presented them to Alucard.

“This is great, Walter, I’ve always wanted to try my hand at painting.”

In a couple of weeks there were new paintings on the walls, Alucard was no longer bored and Integra’s blood pressure level was no longer dangerously high.

End

 

 

Yeah right! Like everything is going to end like that. But I did get you didn’t I?

One morning Integra walked into her office and some little voice told her to look up, and she obeyed that little voice and there on her office ceiling, was a large painting of Michelangelo’s _The Creation of Adam_ with some major differences: where Adam was supposed to be was a naked Integra stretching out her hand, not to God, but to an equally naked Alucard, who was surrounding by what looked to be chibi versions of Seras. The Hellsing commander had no idea how long she was staring at the ceiling, until Walter walked in with a tray of tea and seeing his boss staring at the ceiling also looked up and dropped the tray. The loud crashing noise of breaking dishware bought Integra out if her stupor.

“Walter, please tell me that is a very large poster.”

“I believe that is a painting.”

Just then Seras walked into the office and looked at the ceiling painting; “Sir! When did you pose naked for that painting?”

“AAAAAALLLLLLLLLUUUUUCCCCCAAAAAAARRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!!!”

End

(for real this time)


	11. Alucard Discovers Bubble Wrap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard discovers the joys of packing material

Alucard Discovers Bubble Wrap

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author’s note: Thanks to “A French Girl” for this idea. I will post “Interview with a Vampire once I get enough questions from reviewers/readers and when I myself have written some questions. Also I get that Alucard is the main character, but please do not refer ALL or most questions to him, he’s not the only one Enrico tends to do stupid things when he is bored, which is mostly likely to annoy Integra, which will lead to violence and we don’t want that outside of fanfics. Ok let’s get started.**

Pop. Pop. Pop.

“Alucard, stop that.”

Pop. Pop. Pop.

“I said stop that!”

Pop. Pop. Pop

“What the hell is that?!”

“It’s bubble wrap, my master.”

“Go play with that somewhere else, I’m trying to read.”

POP! POP! POP!

“GET OUT!!!!”

Alucard ran out of the library before Integra decided it was a good idea to punch him in the mouth with sliver knuckles. That night Integra went to bed early due a headache with having to deal with Alucard, and bloodied knuckles from having to punch one of the old farts at the Round Table for saying asinine things.

Pop. Pop. Pop.

“ALUCARD GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!!”

This was followed by a gunshot.

The next morning, Walter walked into the director’s office, holding a sheet of paper; “Sir, you had better read this.” The look on Walter’s face said that something had happened. Integra took the paper and saw the headline: “WORLD’S LARGEST BUBBLE WRAP STOLEN”

“Why would I care about such foolishness?’

“Read where I highlighted”

Witnesses described the suspect as over 6’6, wearing a red coat, pants and hat. Dark colored boots and orange sunglasses. His complexion was pale and having black shoulder length hair. Integra stared at the paper and then at Walter.

“He wouldn’t…..would he?”

Suddenly there came a sound that sounded like a bomb went off and every window in the manor shattered. Integra looked out of the glassless windows and saw on the lawn the flattened remains of the record breaking bubble wrap and Alucard in the middle of it, having jumped on it.

“AAAAAALLLLLLLUUUUUUUCCCCAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDDD!!!!!”

END

 

**Author’s Notes: Someone asked me how I came up with such funny stories, so I’ll let you in on a secret: what I do is tell myself the story in my mind (all my good ideas usually come to me in the shower, scary ain’t it?), if I’m laughing by the time I’m done telling myself the story, then we have a keeper. Sometimes I tell myself the story in different versions because if I don’t react I know the readers won’t. I do the same thing with my “Enrico” series as well, which reminds me, if you readers have ways that you want to see Enrico annoy Integra and her violent reactions let me know.**


	12. Alucard Discovers Cat Videos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard enjoys the wonders of cat videos

Alucard Discovers Cat Videos

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author’s Notes: Hey there readers. Sorry that chapter 2 of Wings of the Damned is taking so long. I’ve already written four chapters, but typed only 1 and half. I get so carried away with the writing. But I PROMISE that the next chapter will be posted before this week is over, hopefully before Wednesday (my time).  For now, hopefully this will keep you going until then. As requested by and therefore for _Anthem of the Night_** **here’s another chapter of _Alucard Discovers._ Enjoy! **

Walter felt sorry for Alucard. The poor guy was constantly doing something that Integra throw a complete bitch-fit. In some ways, he had contributed to it and the butler felt that he should find some way to make amends. But how? By now all of Alucard’s privileges were taken away by a very angry Integra and she had told Walter that he did not make things better by trying to plead his case. But Walter knew he must do something soon because a bored Alucard was much worse than one who ‘discovered’ new things. So, he took an old laptop down to the basement and gave it to the vampire king saying; “If Sir Integra finds out about this, I could lose my head.” Alucard promised not to do anything stupid and that was all Walter needed to hear.

Alucard stared at the computer screen, what to do? He could play some online games, but he remembered his COD playing days and the mean douches that made fun of players that weren’t as good as they were. (Stupid COD players.) So, that was definitely out. eBay and all other auctioning sites had been blocked, as well as many shopping sites. Then Alucard saw a link that said “Cat gets head stuck in paper bag.” Usually this was something that would entertain Seras, but Alucard clicked on it anyway. The video started with a gray and black shorthair who upon seeing a brown paper bag on the floor decided investigate. She stuck her head in the bag and deciding that she did not like it, tried to shake it off. But the bag would not come off. The woman behind the camera made no attempt to help but was laughing hysterically. Alucard wondered why the cat just didn’t use her claws to scratch at the paper, then she would be free. But the cat did not do that, instead she ran around in circles until she bumped into a wall. She sat on her haunches for a moment as if to wonder what happened? Then somehow made her way out of the room. With this the video ended. Alucard had wanted to see what happened next. But chuckled at how cute the video was. Then he saw another link that said; “Kitten jumps into fish tank” and he clicked it. This time it was a brown and white kitten who was on the arm of a couch, staring intently at the fish in a nearby tank, his tail swishing back and forth. Then he pounced and landed right into the tank, startling the fish and himself. After floundering about in the water for a few seconds, he leaped out of the tank and ran out the room. Alucard couldn’t help himself but laugh at the kitten’s antics. And soon he was looking for more cat videos, some which he watched over and over.

It had been a week since Integra had seen Alucard and something told her that it was not a good thing. When Walter came into her office, she fixed him with an icy glare and asked: “What is Alucard up to?” The butler busied himself with fixing the tea tray; “I do not know, Sir. But I’m sure he can’t be far.” Integra had to be satisfied with the answer, so far there were no screaming employees, broken objects or anything burning. But Integra knew it wouldn’t be long before one of the latter would happen. And it did, two weeks later one of the maids came into her office and said; “Sir, there seems to be an awful smell coming from the basement.”

“I knew it!” the Hellsing director roared as she stormed towards the basement and Alucard’s room. When she arrived, she burst right through the door, no preamble, no knocking. There in Alucard’s room were CATS. Cats everywhere. On the table, on his chair, even in his coffin. There were even those cat houses and those were filled with cats. Integra blinked for a few seconds, took off her glasses, cleaned them, put them back on and blinked a couple more times. This could NOT be real. And the cats seeing a new person went to check out the newcomer, some rubbing up against her legs.

“AAAAAAAAALLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!”

“It wasn’t my fault, Walter gave me the computer!”

“WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Chapter End

**Author’s Notes: I bet you were not expecting that ending. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Be sure to check out my other series, Winds of Change, The Hellsing Chronicles, A Series of Unfortunate Events in Which Enrico Maxwell Suffers- A Lot, Winds of Change -Side Fics and Part two of the Winds of Change Series: Wings of the Damned. And thanks to Anthem of the Night for the request. See ya!**


	13. Alucard Discovers Ikea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard goes shopping for furniture at Ikea

Alucard Discovers Ikea  
A Hellsing Fanfic  
Sapphirewyren  
Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing  
Author’s Notes: To those who want me to make a story about Alucard discovering pop rock candy, it’s in the works, which means I’m ruminating on the plot, so I haven’t forgotten it. I still haven’t eaten it but I saw it on a YouTube video on “Good Mythical Morning’s” Chanel, (be sure to check them out, they’re good) and I got a good idea where I want the story to go. To answer Glape’s question, no I am not British, I am just a good friend of Google. I needed to find a supermarket in London, since using one from the US would make no sense. Also, thanks Glape, for this idea of Alucard discovering Ikea. So here goes.  
No bubblegum. No Popcorn. No painting. No videogames. No milkshakes. No cat videos. No internet. No nothing! Integra had practically screamed her throat raw after the last incident. She had to hire a cleaning crew to scrub the cat smell out of Alucard’s room and she had to call the animal shelter to take its cats back. In doing so she had scared the shelter’s owner when she asked why would Integra give the cats back. “DO I LOOK LIKE A BLOODY CRAZY CAT WOMAN TO YOU?!” And after that she railed on Walter calling anything and everything that was synonymous with the words ‘old’, ‘senile’ and ‘stupid’. The knight was so pissed, she nearly threw her desk out of the window. She then told Walter to do one thing right and cancel the Round Table meeting because if she saw another thing that pissed her off, she would shoot someone and the hell with rotting in jail. A couple weeks later when both Alucard was no longer afraid to approach the Hellsing director, he went to her office to complain of his boredom.  
“Master there haven’t been a vampire sighting in weeks. I am bored.”  
“I don’t care.”  
“But master, I need something to keep me occupied.”  
“I don’t care.”  
“Are all your responses going to be how little you care?”  
“Pretty much.”  
It went on like this for a couple of minutes before Integra blew her top; “ALUCARD GET OUT!!!”  
“Yes, master.”  
Alucard decided that getting out of the manor for a while would be best. His master really should seek anger management. As he wondered down the streets of London, he was surprised at the number of stores there were and the amount of things the stores had in them. He came to a large yellow building that had the word “Ikea” on the top. Alucard entered the store. Inside there were all kinds of furniture and nick knacks. All colors and shapes, and even full room displays. “This should make my master very happy.” And the vampire went about buying anything that caught his fancy and putting it on Hellsing’s credit. The next several IKEA delivery trucks showed up at the gates and one of the men were led to Integra’s office. “I need you to sign for this stuff”.  
“What ‘stuff’?”  
The stuff consisted of a purple couch, a spotted couch, a stripped couch, 23 bar stools, 12 green wooden chairs, 30 shelves, 16 beds, a polka dot couch, a marble kitchen counter, 10 loveseats, 19 armoires, 17 coffee tables of different shapes and colors, 62 vases, 123 pillows and much, much more.  
“AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLUUUUUUCCCCCAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!  
Chapter End.


	14. Alucard Discovers PopRock Candy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alucard tries out the fizzy goodness of PopRock Candy

Alucard Discovers Pop Rock Candy

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing (if I did, there’d be waaaay more Integra)**

**Author’s Notes: Well here it is, the moment you’ve all been waiting for….or annoying me for…no, it was definitely waiting for, I never find my readers annoying…..Alucard vs Pop Rock Candy! This is for _AnimeGirl4891_ and _Sarah Rose 29._ Enjoy! **

You know when you have those days when you just don’t want to get out of bed? Well that was how Integra was feeling. She knew that Alucard was going to do something that would really annoy her. After that Ikea fiasco, she was short on patience and had taken it out on the staff and the members of the Round Table. (They were another kind of annoying). Integra decided that she would stay in bed, Alucard can’t get into trouble if she doesn’t know about it, right? WRONG! So, Integra dragged herself out of bed, and prepared for the worse. Instead of going to her office, she went to the living room couch and flopped down onto it. When Walter found her, with a confounded look on his face he asked; “Sir, what are you doing here?”

“I’m waiting for Alucard to do something stupid, what’s it look like I’m doing?”

“It looks like you’re trying to go through the entire wine cellar while mindlessly flipping through channels on the television.”

Meanwhile in the basement, Alucard was slouched in his coffin, bored out of his undead brain. Walter had bought him some books from the library to read, but he didn’t feel like reading. He was pretty sure his master was still mad at him for his shopping spree at Ikea and she made that perfectly clear by screaming every curse she knew in the English language and then tossing some Italian, Spanish and French ones in there when she ran out. He sighed, what was he to do? Then he heard giggling coming from Seras’ room. How she managed to entertain herself Alucard had no clue. But right now she found something very funny and that made him curious. He went to her room to inquire and when she saw him, Seras held out a black plastic package with colorful writing on it. “What is this, Police Girl?”

“It’s called Poprocks, master and it fizzes in your mouth.” The draculina shoved a handful of the colorful rock looking candy in her mouth. Alucard could hear the candy fizzing and crackling in her mouth. He tried a handful and felt the tingling sensation in his mouth and he liked it. “It’s even better when you drink soda with them” giggled Seras. But since Alucard didn’t want another soda addiction situation, he declined. “I accidently bought a whole bunch of them” said Seras opening her closet and revealing more than 3 dozen large boxes of the candy. “But it’s so great, so I’m happy.”

Later that morning, Alucard did want to see what it was like when you mix Poprocks and soda, though. It would probably be awesome. So, sneaking into Seras room, when she left, he took three boxes of the candy. Each box had 500 packs in them. He went to one of the guest bathrooms after retrieving 6 2 liter pepsi bottles. He then emptied all the candy into the bathtub and then emptied the bottles into the tub as well. The effect was well crazy….and magnified, the crackling could be heard throughout the hallway. The Poprocks overflowed out the tub and spilled onto the floor and out under the door. One of the maids seeing this of course went to tell Integra.

“What do you mean by ‘brownish blue liquid!?”

“I think the toilet may be over flowing, Sir.”

She knew it! Integra stormed to the bathroom, took out her Beretta and shot the door knob off the door and kicked it open. Taking in her surroundings, she saw a sheepish looking Alucard kneeling in the liquefied candy, trying to cleaning it up with the towels.

“AAAAAALLLLLLUUUUUUUCCCCCCCAAAAARRRRRRDDDDDDD!!!!”

Chapter End

 

**Author’s Note: Well there you go. I did NOT try this, so if actually done, the results may be different, though I strongly advise against it. The candy might gunk up your pipes. Why Seras has that much candy and Integra not know about it, is beyond me. But I hope you guys enjoyed. And now for good news, I will be posting the first chapter of my series _Diary of a Hellsing Butler_ soon. Entries of Walter’s diary, so you have that to look forward to. And if you have any more requests for what Alucard should discover, let me know in the comments or by PM. Ok you know what to do. See you in the next chapter!**

 


End file.
